How to Support Someone in Grief (Without Saying the Wrong Thing)

If you’ve found yourself avoiding or overthinking how to support someone in grief, you are not alone. 

At Ashay Therapy, our team has worked with many people living with ADHD, autism, people who eat dessert first, people who clap for themselves after parallel parking, and even people who read terms and conditions before accepting cookies on a website. 

Basically, all types of adults who struggle with the problem of how to approach someone grieving.

And we know that when someone close to us is grieving, it can be hard to know what to say, what to do, or how to just be there without feeling like you’re going to say the wrong thing or make things worse.

This blog will teach you common mistakes people make when comforting someone in grief as well as equip you with practical ways you can support your grieving friend. Read and share it with others who want to help their grieving friends. 

Common Mistakes To Avoid While Supporting Someone in Grief

Using Generic Praises and Platitudes:  

First, we want to ensure that you are not violating the first cardinal rule of grief support, which is providing comfort.

When someone is grieving, the absence of cheer may cause a sense of discomfort that can lead you to want to fix things or find the silver lining. 

These are common but wrong things to say to someone who is grieving. Please take note: 

🔈 What you say: Your (deceased loved one) wouldn’t like to see you like this. 

🔈 What the bereaved person hears: You are blaming or forcing them to feel happy. Ironically, the deceased wouldn’t even want to be gone,  so this is just a wrong thing to say.

🔈 What you say: (the deceased) is in a better place. 

🔈 What the bereaved may feel:  The deceased was in their worst place with the person who has lost someone

🔈 What you say: “Just think of the good times.”

🔈 What the bereaved may feel: A reminder that those good times are now over.

🔈 What you say:“ Don’t beat yourself up that you guys were fighting right before their demise or you didn’t try harder when you should’ve.

🔈 What the bereaved may feel: Instead of this, acknowledge and validate some of the guilt that they feel without trying to fix it.

These phrases may come from a good place, but can unintentionally minimize the pain or put pressure on your friend to “fix” their feelings quickly.

Instead, keep comfort words straightforward and intentions clear. Saying “I’m here to support you however you need” is simple, direct, and helpful 

Trying To Make The Situation About You

It’s natural to want to share your own feelings or experiences to connect, but be mindful not to shift the focus away from your grieving friend. They need space to process their loss, not for you to find parallels with your own life.

Try a phrase like: 

“I can’t imagine what you’re going through, but I’m here to support you.”

Listening deeply without interjecting your own story keeps the focus where it needs to be; on their healing journey.

---

Trying To Fill The Awkward Silence All The Time: 

Awkward silence in grief conversations can be uncomfortable, but it’s a natural and important part of processing deep emotions. Silence gives your friend room to feel without distraction or pressure.

Instead of rushing to fill quiet moments with words, try:

People with neurodiverse wiring, especially those with ADHD or autism, may find social pauses anxiety-provoking or confusing. 

So, instead of rambling, you can say:

“Would you like some company or space right now?”

Inviting choice respects your friend’s grieving pace, and accepting silence is often more supportive than any rushed attempt to fill the void.

---

Burning Yourself Out: 

This is most especially true for empaths and highly sensitive people because for you, supporting someone through grief can be both deeply meaningful and overwhelming. 

You might feel waves of your friend’s pain as if it’s your own, leaving you exhausted or emotionally drained.

It’s important to recognize signs of compassion fatigue (when the emotional weight becomes too heavy) and take short breaks to recharge your emotional energy.

Holding space for a grieving friend means listening and existing alongside their pain without trying to fix it. This can be a healing gift, both for the griever and for you. 

Practical Ways to Support a Grieving Friend

Grief often tests friendship skills. Your calls may get returned slowly, plans may be canceled, and emotions may fluctuate unpredictably. Despite these, you still need to show up and show up correctly. With that said, here are some practical ways to support a grieving friend: 

• Bring food that they can just stick in the microwave.
• Respecting your friend’s needs includes giving them time and space when necessary.
• Small, consistent check-ins (“Thinking of you today” texts) mean a lot.
• Offering practical help (groceries, errands) can relieve pressure without words. Call vendors if there’s a funeral, book meetings with lawyers.
• If this person grieving is handling the deceased’s estate, they are tired of phone calls, email attachments, signing documents, and keeping personal info of the deceased on the tip of their tongue to parrot to someone to confirm an account. So, anticipate their needs instead of asking, which can be so overwhelming. 
• Use statements instead of reassurance:  “This is a very difficult thing to have to deal with” OR  “I would like to help you organize whatever needs to be organized, do you have someone helping to manage the stuff that needs to get done? If not, I can help. If you do, please give me their contact and I will see how I can help”. 
• Be present: Don’t ask “how are you doing?” They won’t know how they are doing when they are still in shock. Just do stuff. If you go to the house, do dishes, sweep, take the dog out, help with the flower folks, or drag folks away who are hovering.

Grief is natural, but sometimes professional support is necessary. Encourage the bereaved to seek help if you notice one or more of these things:

• Persistent hopelessness or despair
• Suicidal thoughts or self-harm
• Inability to function in daily life
  Extreme withdrawal from family or friends
  

Nisha, pictured above, specializes in supporting adults & teens in Calgary with grief, you can check her out on their behalf. 

Someone you know is likely trying to navigate grief support, and your guidance can make a real difference. At Ashay Therapy, we believe mental health care and emotional support belong to all of us, so if this guide resonated with you, share it 🌸.