Friendship Breakups: 15 Things I Wish All Black Women Knew

Friendship breakups can be devastating. Full stop.

One minute you are sending each other Instagram reels. The next, you’re watching each other’s stories like strangers.

For Black women and for People of Colour, that pain is even more layered, especially when the said friend is the same race as us. 

This person understands why finding thread inside the cookie tin makes perfect African sense and why you feel guilty for not sending money home. 

This person understands the joy of seeing a Black Disney princess and the burden of being the diversity hire. 

As a Black person, this is the level of affirmation that our similar-race friends give us and why a falling out with them… .just hurts. 

Now, as topics go, friendship breakup has crazy PR. From movies to best-selling books to podcasts, the internet overflows with mostly solid advice on healing from friendship loss. (We all be going through it for real 😅😭)

But this blog here flips the script—it validates your feelings and offers a different perspective on the pain you are feeling.

Whether you’re questioning your feelings, struggling to forgive yourself, or wondering why that friendship breakup hurts so much, breathe and walk with me. 

15 Truths About Friendship Breakups

• Self-compassion is the foundation of healthy relationships: We often attract friends who mirror our relationship with ourselves. Now, as a Black person used to carrying the weight of community or family, it’s so easy to neglect how you treat yourself. Maybe now is a good time to start. Notice how you talk to yourself today. Is your inner voice harsh or kind? The way you treat yourself sets the tone for what you attract in friendships—and what you allow.

• You might never get closure—and that doesn’t make your grief less valid. You may never truly understand what happened, and even if you ever get some explanation, it may not be as logical or important or big as you thought it would be. One way to deal with this is to grieve the loss.

• People leave for reasons that aren’t about you: After a painful fallout, you need to accept that sometimes people leave for reasons that have nothing to do with you and everything to do with their own capacity. Analyzing every text, replaying every conversation may leave you with many questions than answers.

• Some people simply don’t have the emotional capacity or emotional resources to be able to be there for you. It’s nothing personal.

• Trauma bonding is not friendship: If shared pain was the glue holding you together, it’s easy to have an intense connection for true friendship. Reflect on that today, and see if you can give yourself more grace because people who need your brokenness to feel close will keep you trapped in cycles of hurt.

• You can love someone and still need to protect yourself from them. Love isn’t always enough to make a relationship healthy. Sometimes, the most loving thing is to let go.

• You can’t love someone into being a better friend; Lord knows we try. You can be the most loyal, ride-or-die, always-there friend in the world, but it doesn’t guarantee that someone who doesn’t have it in them to match your energy will change.

• Forgiving yourself is often the hardest part: After a painful fallout, the hardest person to forgive might be yourself—for staying too long, for ignoring red flags, for giving more than you should have. In this case, do try to seek help.

• Sometimes, the problem is you: Yeah, this one stings. But if multiple friends have pointed out the same pattern, maybe it’s time to listen. Good news: you can take accountability and still be worthy of love.

• You are not responsible for other people’s inability to show up for you: Your worth isn’t determined by who stays or goes. The right people won’t make you question your value.

• Time doesn’t heal everything, but it changes things: You’ll always carry the impact of meaningful relationships. But the sharp pain becomes a dull ache, then wisdom, then just part of your story.

• Missing someone after the friendship ends doesn’t mean you made the wrong decision: You can miss how they would hype you up. Miss how easy it was to talk. Miss how you didn’t have to explain everything. And still know you’re better off now. Both things can be true.

• You will open your heart again: Right now, trusting new people may feel impossible. It doesn’t feel like it now, but this heartbreak is not the end of your ability to connect. This ending may be making space for connections that will honor who you’re becoming. This podcast about friendship breakups even mentions that we will lose people every 7 years. Perhaps, healing might just be closer than you thought.

• You don’t owe everyone access to the healed version of you: After doing all the emotional labor of healing, it’s natural to wonder if maybe you could now “be friends again.” But healing isn’t about becoming available to the same harm. Growth may mean maintaining your peace instead of reopening old wounds.

• Healing isn’t a straight-line thing: when recovering from the loss of a platonic friendship, you’ll have both good days and bad days. You might want to reach out when you know you shouldn’t. That’s normal. 

What You Can Do Now If You Are Dealing With Friendship Breakups

• Name your feelings. Start by writing down what you’re feeling about the breakup—anger, sadness, relief, hurt, or confusion. This helps you understand your grief better.

• Set boundaries: If the friendship ended badly or left you feeling drained, create clear boundaries to protect your emotional space. This could mean unfollowing them on social media or avoiding certain topics with mutual friends.

• Reflect on lessons learned: Without blaming yourself, think about what this experience taught you about what you need and want from friendships moving forward.
  

Calgary Healing Activities & Local Spots For Processing Friendship Breakup

Calgary offers various support options for those processing relationship loss, though you may need to look beyond traditional “breakup” support groups since most focus on romantic relationships.

The Calgary Public Library has evolved beyond books into a community space where you can just enjoy solitude and fun activities. The fourth-floor reading areas provide natural light and soft ambient noise that many find soothing during emotional processing.

They have branch locations in Hillhurst, Bowness, Saddletowne, and the Central Library downtown, which offer activities like swing dancing, Calgary’s Best Walks, and many more designed to improve our emotional well-being. These events are time-sensitive, though, so always check their website for the latest events when you are ready.

For culturally specific support, you can consider the Genesis Centre, which serves diverse communities and often hosts women’s programming that addresses relationship and community challenges.

Then, this Instagram page specifically holds events for BIPOC women looking to connect with the community. Really helpful for when you are trying to rediscover who you were before.

Various faith communities throughout Calgary offer women’s ministries and support groups that understand relationship loss within spiritual frameworks. These groups often welcome members regardless of specific religious commitment.

You may be the type that finds the rhythm of walking to be regulating; the Bow River pathway stretches across the city, providing miles of walking space where you can process your emotions. The same goes for Prince’s Island Park as well. Here, you can be alone in nature while remaining safely visible to others.

And when you’re struggling to process this loss, find someone who gets the intersection of race, relationships, and healing. At Ashay Therapy, relationship therapists have sat with many who’ve lost best friends and versions of themselves. 

We hold space for the grief that doesn’t always look like grief. If that’s where you are, we’re ready when you are. Tap here to book your first 20-minute consultation—on us! 

You are not too much for grieving the loss of friendship. You are not silly for still missing them. And you don’t have to rush your healing.

If friendship grief is triggering thoughts of self-harm or overwhelming hopelessness, Calgary offers immediate support through the Distress Centre Calgary (403-266-4357) and Mobile Response Team services.