Let’s talk about setting effective boundaries as BIPOC individuals and how to stop feeling guilty about it.
On one side, we have our beautiful cultures of collectivism—where family comes first, second, and fifteenth.
On the other side, there’s the expectation to always be “nice” and accommodating, especially in spaces where you’re the minority.
There are also the stereotypes that BIPOC people are never tired, never overwhelmed and heavens forbid, ever in need of a minute to just breathe.
In essence, you almost need to add granite to your smoothie every morning to not feel guilt for setting boundaries as a BIPOC individual.
Luckily for you, our Calgary-based practice consists of BIPOC therapists who know exactly how all these experiences affect your mental health.
And ahead, in this guide, I’ll be sharing insights from our team (and my own personal tricks) to help you:
✅ Shed the guilt that comes with setting boundaries
✅ Set and enforce boundaries that honor both your cultural identity and your personal needs
So let’s get shaking.
This guide breaks down:
What Does A Boundary Mean?
First, let’s remind ourselves of what boundaries mean.
Boundaries are like invisible fences. They’re the lines you draw to let people know what’s okay and what’s not okay for you.
Setting boundaries are about taking care of yourself and how people can have respectful interactions. They are not ultimatums. They’re guidelines on how you want people to treat you to be able to enjoy a healthy relationship with them.
For example:
– If someone keeps asking you for help when you’re already swamped, a boundary might sound like, *“I can’t help right now, but maybe later.”
– If someone says something that hurts your feelings, a boundary might be, *“Please don’t talk to me like that.”
Healthy boundaries actually allow you to show up better for the people you care about.
Types of Boundaries
- Physical boundaries: Respecting personal space and physical touch
- Emotional/Mental boundaries: Protecting your right to your own feelings without taking responsibility for others’ emotions
- Time boundaries: Limiting how much time you give to others versus yourself
- Material boundaries: Clarifying what you’re willing to share (money, possessions, resources)
- Sexual boundaries: Communicating what you’re comfortable with (or not comfortable with) in intimate situations.
- Intellectual boundaries: Protecting your thoughts, beliefs, and ideas from being dismissed, ridiculed, or taken advantage of.
Signs You Need To Start Setting Effective Boundaries
- You feel resentment whenever certain people call
- You’re exhausted in a way that three cups of coffee and a nap can’t fix
- You get a physical reaction (headache, stomach knots, chest tightness) before seeing certain folks
- You find yourself rehearsing conversations in your head for hours, trying to find the “perfect” way to say NO
- Your relationship depends on what you can offer and you’ve gotten comfortable with the one-sided sharing
- You please people even to your own detriment.
Perhaps the most telling signal of all? When you can’t even define what your boundaries are.
In her work with BIPOC clients in Calgary, our boundaries therapist at Ashay Therapy, Husainat, says a recurring theme she has noticed is that people who need boundaries often talk about everything and everyone but themselves.
If any of these sound like you, time to figure out what your boundaries are.
How to Figure Out What Your Boundaries Are
- Pay Attention to Your Feelings
If something makes you feel drained, upset, or uncomfortable, it’s a sign that you might need a boundary.
For example, if you always feel exhausted after talking to a certain friend, it might be time to set a limit on how much you share.
- Think About What Matters to You
What makes you feel safe? What makes you feel happy? Your boundaries should protect those things. If spending time with your family is important to you, a boundary might be, “I need Sundays to recharge so I can show up fully for them.”
- Start Small
If you are like me and you are from a culture where direct confrontation isn’t the norm, starting with unannounced boundaries can be less intimidating.
This might look like not immediately responding to non-urgent messages or just turning off notifications during your personal time.
These boundaries don’t require a formal announcement but still protect your energy.
At work, you could start off saying, “I am at bandwidth and can’t take on that extra project at work” or “I need to leave this gathering early.”
Now that we have your boundaries down pat, how do you not feel guilty for setting boundaries?
Setting Effective Boundaries Without Feeling Guilty as a BIPOC Individual
The first step in setting effective boundaries without guilt as a BIPOC individual (or any individual) is to ask yourself if you’ve actually done something wrong .
Most of the time, the answer is no. But guilt creeps in because we’ve been conditioned to believe that choosing ourselves is wrong and should be the last thing we do.
Our Calgary-based boundary therapist at Ashay Therapy, Husainat, says, “you don’t feel guilty because you’ve done something wrong, but because you believe you have done something wrong”.
Husainat then advises that you should remember you are only responsible for honoring your needs and not about how someone else feels for a boundary you have set as a way of treating yourself better.
Now, ain’t that something!
How To Enforce Your Boundaries
The first few times you set boundaries, especially with family members who aren’t used to hearing “no” from you, there will be resistance. Sometimes a LOT of it.
Here’s how to enforce your boundaries still:
- Be Clear and Direct
Instead of saying, “I might head out early,” try saying, “I need to leave by 8 p.m. to get enough rest.” Clarity is kindness—to yourself and to others.
- Use ‘I’ Statements
Instead of saying, “You always dump work on me,” try saying, “I feel overwhelmed when I’m asked to take on last-minute tasks.”
This keeps the focus on your feelings, not their actions.
- Be Kind but Firm
You don’t have to be harsh to set an effective boundary. A simple, “I can’t do that, but I appreciate you asking,” is enough.
- Remind Them
Calmly say, “Remember, I asked you not to do that.” Sometimes, people forget—or they need a gentle reminder.
- Set a Consequence
If the boundary violation continues, it’s time to introduce a consequence-not as a threat, but as information about what you’ll need to do to protect your peace:
“If we continue discussing my relationship status, I’ll need to excuse myself for a bit. I’d really prefer to stay and catch up on other things.”
- Stand by the Consequences
This is where many of us falter-but it’s also the most crucial step. If you’ve stated a consequence, you must follow through.
Otherwise, you’re teaching others that your boundaries are optional.
If you said you’d leave the conversation and the boundary pushing continues, actually get up and take that break. Your consistency and behaviour are what transforms a stated boundary into a respected one.
What’s Next ?
The first time you set a boundary, someone will act like you personally betrayed them. If someone is mad at you for having boundaries, it means they benefited from you not having them.
Boundaries aren’t just about keeping people at a distance—they’re also about bringing people closer. When you set boundaries, you create space for healthier, happier relationships.
Be prepared to lose some relationships or have the relationship dynamics change when you start setting boundaries.
The conversations about “empowering diverse voices” may suddenly go silent when your voice challenges the status quo.
Hold that boundary anyway.
As BIPOC individuals and BIPOC therapists ourselves, we at Ashay Therapy will never pretend that access to mental health resources and support is so easy for BIPOC communities.
That’s why we have committed to providing insights like this every two weeks—so you have the tools to navigate boundaries and protect your peace.
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And if you’re in Calgary or based in Canada, our culturally competent therapists are here to help with boundary-setting and other mental health challenges. Book a free 20-minute consultation today.
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