Want to Make a Smart Use of Your Time with Your Therapist? Start Here

Congrats on moving forward with therapy. Now, let’s figure out how you can make a smart use of your time with your therapist.

Surprised that I clocked you that fast? Ugh. Feeling like therapy is not productive is a more common feeling than you think. 

Depending on which study you read, about 20-57% of people worldwide share similar views on the effectiveness of therapy.

Some people started therapy excited for transformation, only to find themselves three months in still talking about the same problems.

Others describe therapy as ping-ponging from crisis to crisis without ever getting to the root of anything.

Whichever camp you’re in, the solution lies in figuring out how to make smart use of your therapy sessions.

I explore this in depth in this blog, including the different phases of treatment and what progress looks like in each, factors that make a therapeutic relationship work, how to recognise when progress is happening (even when it doesn’t feel like it), and ways to maximise your therapy sessions.

Shall we?

Understanding Different Phases of Therapy

Why do you need to first understand the different phases of therapy? 

Therapy can feel a little like you having conversations with a stranger, the same conversations you have already had with yourself. 

So, it is easy to conclude that you are not making any progress at all compared to how Sally claims therapy has transformed her in 6 weeks (but really, Sally?). 

That said, here are the typical phases of therapy: 

Crisis Stabilization: If you’re in acute distress, experiencing suicidal thoughts, or struggling with basic daily functioning, your therapy will rightfully focus on immediate safety, grounding and coping skills. 

Progress here looks like getting through each day, not deep self-reflection.

Depending on how acute or chronic your experiences are, this phase can take anywhere from 3 to 8 months of stabilization work. This can also vary depending on your therapy frequency (weekly vs. biweekly) and how busy your life currently is.

Trauma Processing: For trauma survivors, therapy often involves careful pacing.

At Ashay Therapy, we are ever so careful with this as some people need months or years to build enough safety and coping skills before they can process difficult experiences. We don’t want to run the risk of retraumatisation.

Maintenance and Growth: If you’re relatively stable and seeking personal development, you might engage more actively in pattern recognition and behaviour change. But even here, progress isn’t so straightforward.

This is where collaborative goal setting with your therapist becomes helpful. Many clients in this phase revisit their goals every few months and adjust them based on what’s showing up in their lives. 

Timeline here varies too—expect it to ebb and flow depending on life stressors and what you’re working through.

Integrated Treatment: If you’re managing psychiatric medications alongside therapy, some therapeutic work might only become possible once symptoms are stabilised. There’s no shame in needing multiple types of support. Mental health is healthcare, period.

Sometimes what feels like “just talking” is laying crucial groundwork.

Bottom line: Do not compare your progress in therapy to that of others, especially not those of random TikTok or Reddit influencers. 

Your therapist, approach, frequency, and actual goals all determine your progress in therapy. 

How To Maximize Your Sessions With Your Therapist 

By now, you may be spotting your triggers causing you to be nervous, like expectations, timing,

Now that we understand what progress looks like for different phases of therapy, let’s explore the best ways to maximize your time with your therapist:

• Prepare the Topics You Want To Discuss Beforehand

At the beginning of each week, ask yourself what you want to accomplish in your upcoming session. This doesn’t mean rigidly planning every minute, but having a general sense of direction helps both you and your therapist use time more effectively.

This can look like writing a few notes in your phone, keeping a “therapy” notebook, or jotting down themes you’d like to revisit. What you write does not need to be so deep. Sometimes, just noticing what came up for you emotionally during the week is enough.

If you struggle with knowing what to discuss, state this directly at the start of your session: “I’m not sure what to focus on today. Can you help me prioritize this?” 

 

A good therapist will work with you to identify the most pressing issues. For example, if you are just healing from trauma, our therapists may prepare you by checking in with your window of tolerance and identifying what support you need that day. 

Even the present moment—what’s happening in the room or in your body—can offer us a direct route to deeper work. 

• Prioritise Discussing Patterns Instead of Specific Interactions: 

When deciding on topics to discuss with your therapist, one way to avoid feeling like you are jumping from topic to topic is to prioritize discussing patterns instead of mentioning specific interactions all the time.

For example, rather than saying, “My mom called and criticized my job choice again,” you might explore, “I notice I shut down and feel worthless whenever I receive criticism, regardless of who it’s from or whether it’s valid.”

This approach ensures that you are not jumping from crisis to crisis without making deeper connections.

PS: If you have ADHD or other conditions that make organising your thoughts tough, your therapist will know. And they’ll help you out.

• Be As Honest As You Can: 

Complete honesty is the goal, but I also know that it is not always immediately safe or possible. 

If you’re a trauma survivor, a person of colour working with a white therapist, an LGBTQ+ person in a conservative area, or someone whose identities aren’t reflected in your therapist, trust-building takes time.

Start where you can. Share what feels manageable today, not everything all at once.

When you do share, don’t worry about packing your thoughts in a way that sounds nice or relatable. Say what you think and feel, no matter how weird you think it may be. 

Allow yourself to cry – really boo-hoo cry – if that’s how you’re feeling. Let it out. 

And please—don’t apologise for “trauma dumping”. You’re not doing too much. That’s our job. We have seen it all. 

Give yourself permission to be vulnerable. That can look like crying, saying the hard thing out loud, or even writing something down and handing it to your therapist if speaking it feels too raw.

It’s only by completely opening up that you’ll give your therapist the full picture. Only then can they help you, and only then can the healing begin. 

• Do Not Perform Around Your Therapist

See your therapist like any other doctor. They want to help you, but they can only do that by having the most accurate possible information. 

For some people, writing things down first makes verbal sharing easier. You may do better starting with less emotionally charged topics before building up to deeper vulnerabilities.

 

If you’re neurodivergent, your processing might look different. Some clients we have worked with at our therapy office in downtown Calgary fidget with items.

Some people need to move while talking, others need longer pauses to organize thoughts, and some communicate better through writing or creative expression. 

And during these times, your therapist is watching you and getting as much information to help you even when you are not talking.

Holding back, or trying to communicate behind a social appropriateness filter is more likely to stall your progress.

• Be Ready To Do The Work

You will get out of therapy what you put into it. 

Therapy isn’t magic or like a pill you take. After getting, developing, and practising some tools and techniques in your therapy sessions, it takes work on your part to identify issues in real life and react to them differently than how you were before, and to honestly reflect on them with your therapist later to identify areas to work on/improve in the future.

You practise things in the room. Then you go out into your life, test them, and report back. What worked? What didn’t? What felt impossible? What surprised you?

• Accept That Your Therapist Isn’t Your Fixer: 

You are not in therapy so that your therapist can give you a set of instructions on how to fix things. Fixing things is on YOU. 

They will guide you and push you in conversation to find those answers within yourself, but the work comes from you. 

• Always Let your Therapist Know How You Feel About Their Approach 

If you feel your sessions feel chaotic or like there’s no direction to what you and your therapist are discussing or working on, discuss it with them. If their communication style isn’t clicking for you, say so.

Good therapists want this feedback. Our team at Ashay Therapy loves your feedback. We would rather adjust our approach than have you sit in frustration for months.

Beyond this, we regularly send out surveys every six sessions and again at the six-month mark to ensure we’re supporting you in a way that feels useful, respectful, and collaborative.

If your therapist gets defensive or dismissive when you raise concerns, that’s information. And it may mean it’s time to reassess the relationship.

Any therapist who gets defensive or dismissive about your concerns is valuable information about whether this is the right therapeutic relationship for you.

Signs You Are Actually Making Progress In Therapy 

Progress in therapy looks different depending on your starting point and goals:

• You’re more curious about yourself rather than just self-critical
• You’re using coping skills when distressed
• You feel more hopeful about the future
• You can talk about difficult experiences without completely dissociating
• Triggers are less intense or you recover from them more quickly
• You’re sleeping and eating more regularly
• Other people are noticing a shift in you
  
• You’re allowing yourself to feel emotions without shame
  
• You’re being kinder to yourself in your thoughts
  
• You’re identifying your emotions more clearly
  
• You’re giving yourself permission to be vulnerable with safe people

Sometimes, despite everyone’s best efforts, a therapeutic relationship isn’t the right fit. 

If your therapist seems unfamiliar with your specific concerns (trauma, LGBTQ+ issues, cultural factors, neurodivergence) OR consistently seem out of their depth or give advice that doesn’t fit your situation or you just don’t vibe with them enough to think you can be vulnerable with them, consider switching therapists.  

I will like to leave you with this: 

You don’t need to have everything figured out before walking into that room. Or make progress on anyone else’s timeline. 

Your healing journey is yours, and it’s valid whether it takes months or years, whether it’s linear or full of setbacks, whether it includes medication or alternative approaches.

Give yourself as long as it’s taken you to get here. If it took 21 years or 30 years to build what you’re unpacking, give yourself at least that same grace to heal.

 

The goal isn’t to eliminate all discomfort or “fix” everything that feels hard about being human. It’s to develop greater capacity for navigating life’s challenges, to heal from past wounds when you’re ready, and to live more authentically as yourself.

You are doing the incredibly brave work of breaking generational cycles. Whether you are learning to live with chronic mental health conditions or neurological differences. 

 

Or processing recent traumas. Or navigating identity exploration. Or working through grief, relationship issues, or major life transitions.

All of these journeys are valid. And our team of culturally affirming therapists at Ashay Therapy are eager to have you. Book your first 20-minute consultation– completely free of charge and we can wait to support you!